stop calling my apartment porn island.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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