no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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