I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
