You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
