the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
