My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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