my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So much Jack, so little girl.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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