Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
