Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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