Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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