i may or may not be watching the land before time
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
