Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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