I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
God, I missed his penis.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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