you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
