Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
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Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
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I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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