there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
