He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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