We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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