i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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