I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
