There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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