last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
