I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
