I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
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So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
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I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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