Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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