Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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