dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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