hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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