it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
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There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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