My entire life is one complicated drinking game
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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