haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
