we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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