I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
