while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
