The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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