Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
