You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He passed out mid-signature
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
