My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
