I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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