I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
