I will die if light touches me.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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