I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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