On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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