I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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