Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
