why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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