If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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