Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
