We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
