they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
