No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
