Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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