My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
