Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize