All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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