I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I understand Curling. That high.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
