she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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