Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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