Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
