Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
