i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
