I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
